With sanity slipping away rapidly again, long pointless hours, frustrating work and no end in sight, no goals seem worth aspiring to. In all honestly I’m concerned where I’m heading, and I have been for some time.

Annual bonus time just passed and now I don’t know what to do. I’m back up to owing 4cents on my car again (yay for interest NOT) and I have no other debts. I realised recently that having the cash management style account (ING or what not) is fine, but because of the tax bracket I’m in, half of my interest will be gobbled up in tax, and half of 5% is less than inflation. So even though I’m getting nearly the current cash rate for interest I’m still losing money having it in the bank. I’d look for some other type of investment but I’m too lazy because of there being no motivation. What’s money anyway ?

The subway cards I bought off ebay are all gone. So much for a cheap lunch for a while. I’m considering making my own lunch again anyway, cause it’s so much cheaper, but whats the point of saving money anyway. Whats the point of alot of things. Like work. When I used to walk to work I had lots of time to just think. Sure that’s gotta end in pain or something, but eventually I had the brainwave that we work for 5 days of 7 so we can do what we want on the 2 days of 7. The inequality there is obvious. If you don’t enjoy work, why spend (very roughly) 5 sevenths of your (waking) life doing something that doesn’t provide satisfaction. It gets even worse if you run the numbers. I find I need lots of sleep, I don’t know why, but I really battle to get up if I’d had less than say 7-8 hours of good sleep. That means 11pm to bed and get up at 6am or there abouts. When I used to walk to work I would leave for work at about 7.30 so I think I was getting up at about 6.30-6.45 at the latest. Note: The time I get up is the minimum amount of time needed to get ready to leave to get to work on time. Even in those days I aimed to get to work on time. So my 8am start with 1 hour lunch took me through till at least 5pm, plus stupid overtime and by the time I get home would be 6-7pm ish. That gives me, including food 4 hours in the evening to myself 5 days a week, plus 2 full days. The biggest benefit in those days was I was getting two 20minute walks a day 5 days a week and I’m sure thats why I’ve got fat since then, not exercising anyway near as much.

I recently had a week where I got to work at or before 7.30am every day for 7 working days, which would be great if and only if I could get away at 4pm or before because then I could get so much stuff done in the evenings and still get to bed at a decent time. This week came after a period of at least 6 months, where my alarm clock would go off at 6am, I’d hit snooze every 8 minutes for about an hour before turning it off and going back to sleep. I’d fineally wake up and feel refreshed at about 9am, and I’d get up drink a redbull and go to work. See the 10-11am starts aren’t a problem, because 95% of the time I’m trapped at work for one reason or another until after 6pm, some cases well after (it’s 9pm now and I’m at work). This demonstrates the pointlessness of me getting to work a) on time, or b) early. It just means I need to get to bed earlier and spend more time at work anyway. I just don’t have any reason anymore to get up to go to work. Work is not fun and has not been fun for a very long time. I can’t remember the last time I actually got up early to go to work because I knew that day had something new or fun or different going to happen.

That moves me onto another topic, the downturn of the last 2 years. Pretty much everything I do has had a down turn in a way over the last 2 years. My health (physical and mental), my hobbies (what hobbies), my lifestyle, motivation, lanning. It’s all gone, yadda yadda gone.

CARRIER LOST